by “We no longer have any cookies.” “The remote control is broken – think we can’t watch TV.” “Oops, the swimming pool is closed today.” Many parents ultimately tell the occasional white lie to their child – often from exhaustion or to avoid the inevitable collapse or power struggle that comes after they have said no. But although these little Fibs seem harmless at the moment, they can actually undermine a child’s confidence in themselves and you.
In the fifth episode of their podcast After bed with big little feelings” Big little feelings Founders Deena Margolin, a child therapist who specializes in interpersonal neurobiology, and Kristin Gallant, a parenting coach with a background in mother and child education, chat about some white lies they told their own children – and the surprising repercussions that followed. For the Yahoo column After bedtimeMargolin shares three steps that parents can take to set limits without resorting to the truth. And if your child still has to catch you in a small FIB? This is what to do.
Let’s really be: we did it all. “The park is closed.” “The tablet is broken.” “This is tough, you won’t like it.” (Spoiler alert: it’s cake, they would absolutely love it.) “The ice cream truck only plays music when it’s outside of ice.”
These little Fibs usually come from one place: survival of the parents. You are exhausted. You have repeated yourself 400 times. You just have to endure for the next five minutes without a collapse. And at those moments a white lie feels like the easiest way to get there.
But here is the thing: truth builds confidence. Research shows that children, even as young as the age of 3, can detect inconsistencies between what adults say and what they do. And children who are often lied to? They lie more often to themselves and less chance of trusting their care providers over time.
Does that mean that you have ruined your child because you have Fibbed that the park is closed? Absolutely not. The goal is not a perfection it is consciousness, repair and modeling of honesty in the right ways. So how Doing Do we deal these gray areas? Here are some suggestions.
Ask yourself: is this a shortcut or a border with room for large feelings?
Lying usually feels like the fastest way from a difficult moment. “Destroying the tablet” feels easier than saying: “No more shows” – and then dealing with the smelting that follows. But here is the thing: shortcuts do not build skills. Do boundaries. Instead of reaching a lie, you can try to hold the limit honestly: “We are done with the tablet for today. I know that is hard to hear. It’s ok to be upset.”
You still say no, but you do it in a way that makes space for the big feelings that are accompanied by it. That is not a weakness – that is regulations. That is leadership. Every time you choose the truth plus a quiet border, you teach your child: “I can be told the truth.” “I can feel great feelings and go through it.” “My parent is safe, stable and honest, even if it is difficult.”
Catch? Call it. Repair it.
If your child calls you for a small white lie that went out (and they will be), be honest: “You are right. I said the iPad was broken. That’s not true; I made a mistake. The time is ready today and we will have more tomorrow.” This is where the magic happens, because you now model responsibility and emotional safety (instead of increasing them).
Keep it simple and friendly when in doubt.
You don’t have to explain the whole truth to a 4-year-old. You just have to stay in it. Try: “We don’t have time to go to the park today, but I will find a time for us to go this week.” “TV time is being done today. We will have more soon.” “I don’t want to share now. Let’s find something you can enjoy.”
No lies. Simply limits – with love.
So the collection meals? You are not a bad parent if you have lied to your child. You are human. But every moment is an opportunity to build or rebuild, trust. Because although there is no golden star for ‘most honest parent of the year’, there is a deep, lasting connection when your child knows: I can rely on what my parent says. I can believe in their words. They see me, they respect me, and they tell me the truth, even when it is difficult. And that is the kind of honesty that everything changes.
